Thinking

I've done a lot of thinking......a lot of thinking this week...well the past few weeks.

Being pregnant at first was just fun. It was almost like a game, like I was playing house. Lately though, the reality and responsiblity of it has starting getting to me. The fact that in about 6 months I am actually going to give birth to a child. I mean...I'm still super excited...but this has definitely made me stop and think.

My whole life is going to change drastically. Going to work will be different, going shopping will be different, making dinner will be different. I won't be able to just go home like I do now and have next to nothing to do. Nobody to really take care of or worry about but myself. I thought being an adult and getting married and buying a house was a big step in responsiblity....but being a parent and being a parent that will still be working full time and only have a husband home a couple days a week is a HUGE responsiblity that honestly almost scares me. Am I really ready for this? I'm sure every first time mom has moments of feeling inadequate...but man...it has really made me stop and think.

These past few weeks have probably been my worst. When week 11 hit I was like...Yea!! I'm pretty much out of my first trimester and haven't had that bad of symptoms! Well....I spoke to soon. Granted there are those I know who have had it must worse than I ever have....and for you....I am truly sympathetic. I've starting throwing up and having this nasty bloated/nausea feeling a lot. My stomach will feel so full that I swear it's going to burst. It's very uncomfortable. Dealing with cramps, stretch marks, heartburn, I'm so disorganized, unmotivated, and forgetful now, jumped two cup sizes in my bra (and still growing...will it ever stop?), I still don't enjoy eating and when I do want to eat I don't want anything of nutritional value. I can't even pretend I want to zip up my pants anymore. I bought one of those elastic "belly band" things and that has saved my life, or I would honestly have no clothes to wear. I want ramen noodles and swedish fish and cream cheese on bagels. I hate taking my vitamins. I'm supposed to take 4 every morning and usually I can only get 2 maybe 3 down ...the other ones usually end up thrown up in the sink. Brushing my teeth is also a very unpleasant task. Crest toothpaste is completely out of the question. If I'm going to throw up my dinner....this is when it happens. I'm more emotional then ever...but in a stupid way.

I've also given alot of thought to the idea of a natural birth and a medicated birth (inducing, epidural, etc). As soon as I knew I was pregnant I wanted a natural birth. It seemed so real and so beautiful....so natural. Yet the more I think about ...the more it doesn't feel like the right choice. It just hit me all of a sudden. It's a really weird feeling...to want something but not want it. I'm so tossed. I've googled the topic and have read article after article after article and have watched alot videos on youtube. I've debated this in my mind over and over and over again.

Anways, I've given a lot of thought to this whole birthing/mothering thing .....and it is a lot to take in. I'm so in love with the idea of being a mommy to a sweet little baby....but at the same time I'm scared out of my mind. I'm trying to learn anything and everything I can ....but birth and being a mother are experiences you have to experience (I think) to truly understand.

I figure all I can do is have a positive attitude, learn all I can and do what I think is best for me and my little baby. Wish me luck!!