I do a lot of thinking these days.... I spend a lot of time in the car driving and a lot of time just sitting at home. Therefore, since I have no one to talk to I started this habit of kind of talking or I guess thinking to myself. I've noticed that a lot of these thoughts get jumbled up and start taking up a lot of space in the "limited space" left in my brain...therefore I figure it is probably better for me to write everything down...then I can in sense feel like I have talked to someone and/or just forget about it all and not feel like I've lost something. :)
First off, I'm so tired of being pregnant, so so so so tired of being pregnant. Yet in no way am I ready to be a mother. In no way do I feel smart enough, mature enough, or responsible enough. I feel like some clueless teenager. I've decided I'm just going to go into hibernation after I have this baby for a few months and if I emerge with a healthy three month old baby...then I guess I didn't do too bad, right?
Next, it drives me crazy how much I eat...or I guess how hungry I get and how often!! It is seriously a burden to me to eat to begin with, then throw in the fact that I need to eat multiple times a day. Before this baby, I had to control my eating because I always had a bad habit of over-eating. Now it drives me crazy. I hate packing a lunch for work...I've eaten out more in the last few months then I swear I have in my whole life. I hate cooking dinner and thank heavens for cold cereal and instant oatmeal for breakfast. The only reason I eat at this point is because I get so hungry it hurts. It's like I'm just so unmotivated to care anymore. Then when I do want to eat...it just cheap garbage food that I want. I want macaroni and french fries and frozen burritos......and lots of candy. I've tried to eat salads and they just disgust me...no matter how much ranch dressing I put on it. I buy vegetables and fruit thinking if they are there in front of my face I will eat them and I end up throwing them away because they went bad before I got to them. Grrr!! I wake up hungry, I go to work and I'm hungry, it's not lunch time yet and I'm hungry, I leave work hungry, I come home hungry. It's incredibly frustrating.
I'm sickened by how big my boobs have gotten...and everyone just says they are gonna get bigger. Even Levi is surprised at how uncomfortably large I have become. I've completely outgrown anything Victoria's Secret or Motherhood Maternity can offer me and if I go online I either find nursing bras that must be made of gold or something because the cost a good $80-$100 or I just find stupid porn sites. I'd say I've gone up a good 3-4 cup sizes and of course my ribcage has gotten bigger too. Any of you nursing mothers out there know of a nice little bra shop that carries big girl sizes and it's not "filthy" or super pricey?
Another thing, I think all the neurons in my brain are exploding one by one. I used to be so good at budgeting and balancing my checkbook. I used to have everything in order when Levi would get home and then have him all packed up ready to leave with everything he needed. I had my grocery list ready and coupons organized every week....and on and on and on. Now, I barely even remember where my credit card is, let alone how much I have spent on it. I have messed up my checkbook so many times. Levi has to call and remind me to do things or pick something up for him. A lady the other day asked me what my zip code was and I honestly couldn't tell her....I had to to look at my driver's license. I wonder sometimes if I'm going to forget how to drive one day or forget where I live....hmmmm.....
Also on my mind, my midwife says I've only gained 9 lbs. My midwife is a great midwife, but something in the back of my mind just says that's a bunch of BS. There is no way I'm just gonna birth this baby, drop ten pounds, and wear my old jeans again. Not in a million freaking years! Not only is my stomach huge and look like something out of a horror movie from all the stretch marks I've got, but my whole body is just bigger. My legs are bigger, my hips are bigger, my thighs are bigger, my backside is bigger, my waist is bigger.....everything is just a whole lot bigger than 9 lbs will allow for. That's it....I've lost control of my body.
On a sadder note (is that a word).....I feel like poor little Levi is missing out on so much. Granted I'm sure he doesn't mind missing me always needing him to reach things for me and carrying things up and down the stairs for me and pushing the grocery cart around for me ...since technically I have been put on bed rest and shouldn't really be doing anything....but he never can come to any of my appointments, he's only felt the baby kick twice. He hasn't been able to see him move yet. He's never heard the heartbeat. I sit at home with Levi and will move all over the place and poke at my stomach until it hurts just trying to get little Baby J to move or turn or something so Levi can feel it...but he just never does. Levi will talk to him all the time and tell him he's grounded because he is not cooperating. Poor little guy....well both of my guys.
Well now that I have "talked" to you and have gotten a few things off my mind...I feel a little better. Thanks for listening.
oh Cynthia- I'm sorry about the big boobs. You have always been well endowed if you know what I mean. What to do? What to do?
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel and honestly you sound like the typical 8 month pregnant lady.
Your body will go back to normal- or almost normal. Those last months are just so down right depressing as you see your body go crazy on you- but "this too shall past" until you get pregnant again!! I hate being pregnant too- just the thought makes chills go down my back.
well if you're talking to yourself then you better knock on my door and come talk to me for heaven's sake. I would love to hear about all your pregnancy problems- I just adore you Cynthia.
Your baby shower is going to be a blast!
Two words - Lactation Station. It's in Sugarhouse. They have great bras, and a HUGE selection of sizes. It's not cheap - I think my bras were about $50 each. But they were worth every penny.
ReplyDeleteYou might want to look at Bravado brand bras. They are more sports-bra style, and they're great for the first few weeks of nursing when you're "adjusting." The best prices I've found on them are from nurturedfamily.com, although Lactation Station sells them, too, and the prices are probably comparable. I bought two of them and would switch off each day until "the girls" got settled. Then I switched to the ones I got from Lactation Station, but I still wore the Bravado ones at night until I stopped nursing.
And about your mental acuity - yeah, it's not coming back. Sorry. Motherhood just does that to you.
Just sayin' it like it is. :)
And ditto to April's comment - come knock on my door and talk away anytime.
"I talk to myself cause there is no one to talk to. People ask me why, why I do what I do" Does anyone else remember that song? Nope, just me? Okay then!
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how hard all of this must be to do on your own. I think I would go crazy (or even more so than I already do) if I was alone throughout most of my pregnancy.
I'm so sorry things are bad right now. It will get better...most things anyway. I still forget my zip & telephone # almost every time I'm asked for them. =)
I am absolutely no help on the boob front. I have the exact opposite problem. It's hard for me to find bras small enough without resorting to training bras in the tween section. I just get super excited that I actually fill out my super padded A cup when I'm pregnant & nursing. Emily might be of some help. I know she gets quite large in that area and has to buy bras with letters that I never even knew were associated with bra sizes.
As far as the eating goes, I've been having a huge problem in that area lately and I'm not even pregnant or nursing. I've never been one to control my appetite well but these last few weeks have been just awful. I never feel full, no matter how much I eat. I don't know what my problem is but I'm disgusting myself.
Being miserable is pretty pregnant! See, I left that sentence all jumbled up even though I re-read it and saw that it was wrong just to show you that my brain still doesn't work. Although that's probably not very comforting. Good thing babies are so darn cute. We sure go through A LOT to get them here.
As the other gals said, if you ever get tired of talking to yourself I am a great listener. Love ya
Awh Cynthia... if only I were at Cogent i'd give you a big hug! Unfortunately, I have zero advice considering I have never been prego and my boobs are ouon the way too small side to know tht ppl have to go through stuff like that lol. But on a better note, HANG IN THERE!!!! You're so close and i'm sure everything will go almost back to normal and soon you will gain your sanity back :) You are gonna be such a good mom! You can cook like a rockstar, you're super at organizing and you're the most responsible person I know... you just don't know it yet! Hope all gets better :)
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